hold the gift


Today is Hannah's birthday. My heart is full and my emotions run close to the surface. She's truly a gift. I am fumbling to say more --to capture my many thoughts --retell one of the many stories of her life that I hold in my heart --to put these emotions into words... I type then erase... I type then erase... nothing satisficing/good enough … I can though tie all of it to one word, Love. She has given  love to her daddy, sisters and I. She has a gift for words-- she absorbs them to this day. She is gifted with a beautiful singing and engaging speaking voice. She has always been quick to vocally stand for justice and for her Faith. 
HUG happiest birthday my luv. 

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For the past four weeks or so I have been mentally-emotionally fighting an intense internal battle over the idea of remaining in school... 
 
I do not feel like others do. Instead of feeling like I am getting closer to my goals, I feel further from those things that drive me. I am unhappy & unfulfilled. I loath sitting at a computer for HOURS back to back... I dread reading because it's exhausting to comprehend and re-reading just isn't enough; in order to retain / internalize I must take labor-intensive notes on EVERY part of the article as it's a real struggle to know what concepts are important and which ones are not... what is the teacher asking of me to understand... (sigh)… I want to get up and get out! … to do something --for my family, for my married daughters, for my extended family, to record family history, to tackle the spring garden that is still in the state it was 2 months ago, to deep clean my home, visit the elderly, serve others who I know are deep in trial as well as those whose trials I know not of, to be more involved in the life of my "little sister" Ayla, better fulfil my church calling, give better attention to my two jobs OR get rid of them both and do one job, …ANYTHING but -sit -at -the -computer &/or -to -read!

And although the past few days I have felt less intense about quitting, the feelings are there, as if waiting for another moment to strike. 

I read this week a church article by a man in another country whose desire is a greater education. [https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/inspiration/paving-the-way-for-my-dream-how-education-helped-support-my-family] … and although I could tangibly list my own blessings in my education journey, I mainly fought feelings of guilt and shame for living with greater access/privileges' but not feeling like continuing to gain a degree. 

In this spiraling negativity, I read --okay listened to--  a byu.edu talk that my friend Amy (Thornton) Campbell shared on FB [https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/henry-b-eyring/gifts-spirit-hard-times/] …and although it didn't enlighten me on how to move forward, it did empower me to focus on GIFTS that God has given me specifically. Eyring said a few things that helped me--  
* Feeling the influence of the Holy Ghost works both ways: the Holy Ghost only dwells in a clean temple, and the reception of the Holy Ghost cleanses us through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. You can pray with faith to know what to do to be cleansed and thus qualified for the companionship of the Holy Ghost and the service of the Lord. * become worthy for the coming of the Savior * The fact that you are here listening … is evidence that you want to be among those who will not be overcome and will not be deceived. * How you can reach that happy and glorious goal? -- The key is to accept and hold the gift of the Holy Ghost promised by God … when you do accept HIS spirit, the Lord has promised:   quiet confirmation in your heart & mind when something is true [D&C 11:12–13], The Lord also promised you would not be deceived … for they are wise - receive truth - taken the HG as guide - shall not be hewn down/cast into the fire - the Lord shall be in their midst [D&C 45:56–59] * Moroni 7:46-47 * pray with all the energy of heart that you will have your prayers answered to meet the requirements to receive the Holy Ghost AND pray that you will endure faithful to the end * pleadings for the gifts of the Spirit, to serve the Lord, will be granted.  

And so, not fully wanting to, I carry on.

Location: Arizona, USA

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